Epiphany of 12.13.11 – With Love One Marches into Uncertainty.

Epiphany of 12.13.11 – With Love One Marches into Uncertainty.

It was a grey rainy and lukewarm evening. My soul sister called me, in tears, breaking down. Another reoccurring episode with the philosopher, encountering with one’s uncontrollable coldness, un-answered compassion.

This is not the first heart-to-heart conversation I had with my sister but the first one that echos to my own soul, every word. I myself, too, finds it increasingly difficult to retain emotional independence from the person I care. The incapacity to confine our own attachment in turn exposes the most vulnerable self. He finally came to New York, my sister sobbingly said, with a full schedule to see all his friends but seemed not even remotely interested in spending time with me.

This may appear just a banally typical conversation – a young woman complaining about the unavailability of her Bohemian boyfriend. But knowing my sister in such a fundamental way ( from where everything started), I do not have one second of doubt that she is the smartest, the most independent, driven person who is also making noble effort to embrace love, compassion, and humanity. The fight between maintaining our graceful coolness and the irrepressible desire to unite with the persons we love has never appeared so tremendous, so painful. Out of so many phone calls, I never truly understand the intensity of this struggle. Everything changed – now that I myself going through one. Every tear she sheds, every sentence she spoke, echoes to those of mine. As I listened to her heartbreaking weeping over the phone, I looked above the endless skyline punctuated by Chrysler building and found my own eyes tearful. I too waited for a message, a text, an email all day long, and mourned for the sudden disappearance of them. I too over-interpret every moment and every hint. I too feel vulnerable, sometimes desperate and scarred by the dark uncertainty of losing everything I care about.

Suddenly, with my whole heart and soul, I felt my sister and J. Every mistake I made in the past, the words I have recklessly spoken to hurt, all appear so unbearably vivid. I looked down upon kindness and commitment in exchange for feeling empowered – that I have nothing to lose, nothing to fear. If you want to leave me, please feel free to do so. I have enough trouble wrestling with my own mind, my own soul. I can not even spare one percent to you. End of the story. So spoiled as I have been, I always defended the philosopher when my sister went through just another breakdown. Now that my position is reversed – I become the one who worries, fears, pleads, waits, and cries, I suddenly grow so much and understand so many things that I would have never thought of.

I may never be able to come out of this intact, but I have a toughing feeling that this is what I need to experience in order to becomes a better person. I feel no bitterness or regret. Nor do I want to give up trying and withdrawing back to my old, single-minded dogma. Yes, I want to be extraordinary, to make a dent in the universe, to make a difference in the world, to inspire and dream. But that is not the whole story. I also want to understand love and compassion. Just like my sister and J, I want to embrace the spirit that has driven them to come so far. The spirit can be exactly put into words:

With love one marches into uncertainty.

The sentence keeps running in my head after the phone call with my sister. I used to feel sorry for her and J for their misery of loving somebody who fails to reciprocate. But now I do not sympathize them any more – instead I admire them and have realized that how significant it is to experience loving and giving. Emotion and fears open the door to who we are. The lightness that comes with this epiphany replaces the heaviness of the need to feed my pride and insecurity. I feel like a new born child.

This is all new, and caught me off guard. I did not expect the epiphany of the year to end on such a tone. In fact, my philosophy was quite the opposite – that I have nothing to lose, and right now is the best moment to indulge my wildest ambition and most stubborn personality. I have lost people who I thought would never haven given me up, and I survived it. I thought I would be fine this time too but something huge, fundamental, and deep has completely changed and shaken my world beyond description. I was first confused by the new position I was in, then admitted it with tears and fear, but now ready to reborn from it and outgrow my old and selfish self.

With love one marches into uncertainty. This thus becomes the rock’nd roll spirit for my 2012. For the coming year, I want to find my balanced place in this secular world – to be passionate but also disciplined and peaceful, to stay true to the one-person journey to the meaning of life but also learn commitment and companionship, to keep fighting for extraordinarity but also embrace compassion and the respect for others, to be persistent but also know when to compromise, and eventually, to learn to love and grow.

All are dichotomy I know. But I believe that a noble human is a person who possess opposites rules but still able to function efficiently and responsibly. After all, there is one thing that DOES harmonize all the dichotomy and struggles. That is, love and hope – I shall remind myself so every day entering the year of 2012.